Movie Review – The Condemned

Director – Scott Wiper.
Cast – Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Rick Goldman, Robert Mammone and Madeline West.

This is former WWE wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s first lead role after a small supporting role in Adam Sandler’s Mean Machine remake, The Longest Yard. We find Steve, as Jack Conrad, sitting on death row in a sweaty El Salvador prison as a result of the American military disowning him while he was caught doing their dirty work. Luckily enough for Conrad billionaire businessman Ian Breckel, played by Robert Mammone, has a bright idea that could give him a second chance.

Breckel has the notion that throwing ten death row convicts onto an uninhabited island and then freeing the last one standing would be jolly good entertainment. He has cameras in every tree and bush so he can film the action and transmit it across the internet uncensored and as it happens. In order to prevent the convicts seeing out their days in hammocks drinking coconut milk he has strapped some plastic explosive to their legs that will detonate after thirty hours. So it’s kill or be killed. His rationale is that these convicts are bad eggs and were going to die anyway so by giving one of them a chance to live he is actually the good guy.

So that’s it, suffice to say Conrad is the hero, Vinnie Jones’ Ewan McStarley is the bad guy and the rest just make up the numbers. There is a little spice thrown into the mix by the fact that two of the convicts are females but that does not make them any less capable of violence. For extra bonus spice one of the females is married to one of the males. It’s a powder keg of moral dilemmas!

The violence is relentless and surprisingly uninventive given the potential scope on the island for traps and home made weaponry. There is a very basic look to the whole thing too, the island is probably very picturesque but we never get the chance to find out. Having seen Steve Austin going through the occasional wrestling monologue over the years I was surprised at how little dialogue is thrown his way here. He always seemed to have some charisma and it seems odd that he is not given the chance to convey that charisma in his first starring role. As usual Vinnie Jones is Vinnie Jones gurning and snarling his way through some cheesy bad-guy-speak. It’s hard to believe that scrawny Vinnie has even half a chance against any of these six and a half foot man mountains but, just like in his Hollywood career, he gets by on his wits alone.

The Condemned bombed both in its’ cinema and DVD release in America. This could be partly because there is nothing here that we haven’t seen before and the whole thing is played out completely straight laced. There is not even the teensiest weensiest bit of humour or irony here. Even a raised eyebrow would have helped! Still, if you are looking for a mundane action thriller that doesn’t star Steven Segal this might fit the bill.